ranty_rie: (Intriguing [Undertaker])
Two dearly beloved friends of mine are getting married today, despite the overwhelming odds against them. I have been informed that measures are in place, should I so much as open my mouth rather than "hold my peace".

Tasers were mentioned four separate times.

I feel so loved.

So! Since I will not be allowed to share my Cassandra knowledge when it might do great good, I will share it here, where I'll do great fun.

Let's call the groom A and the bride B.

A and B met each other while A was going through a severe identity crisis because he was - DUN DUN DUN - a virgin. At twenty three! Oh the horrors, the unspeakable horrors! He had bad luck, he said, every time he met a cute girl and dated her to the point where fun sexy times were inevitable, something would go wrong. They'd be making out in her house and her dad would open the door and threaten to beat him to a pulp. They'd be making out in his house, and his sister would come in and be a bitch and pretend to be his wife, just to watch the fireworks. (I love A's sister. A's sister is the kind of evil everyone wants to be when they grow up.)

To make a long story short, A was miserable and dying of blue balls. And he was annoying. Oh GOD, was he annoying. He would not shut up about it. So Jar - my soulmate/best friend/better half, for those just starting to follow this one-woman act of wonders - said, Enough.

He told A his problem was that he didn't know how to procure himself the necessary privacy to conduct his sexy fun times without interruption. A retorted that he couldn't very well take his girlfriends to a hotel - because that was considered sleezy back in that day and age - and Jar, in his infinite wisdom and kindness said: "No, bro, I've got you covered."

You see, years before, Jar had had a very active club scene phase, where he'd party from sundown to sunrise just because he could. And since his parents lived in fear of him dropping dead one day, they bought him a small apartment in the heart of the clubbing district in the city. It was small and old and not particularly noteworthy, but Jar still had keys to it. So because he was sick and tired of A being an absolute whiny bitch about the state of his unpunched V-card, Jar declared that operation Get A Laid So He Will Shut Up Already was underway.

He paid for a super nice expensive dinner at one of those ridiculously classy restaurants you're not allowed to step in the vicinity of, if you're not wearing sparkly clothes. He gave A the keys. And he told him to, and I quote, "go get her, tiger."

Now this was Jar. Jar was my best friend. Mine. As soon as he sent A on his way, Jar came pick me and two other friends up and he declared that operation Watch A Fuck This Up, I Cannot Believe This Kid was also underway. We followed them to dinner, we followed them to the streets, and then we finally followed them to the fabled apartment building of sexy fun times and V-card punching fame. Our job was to make sure the idiot didn't fuck up his date before getting to the end of it. He did not. It was amazing.

Then we went and got drunk for like six hours because it's fun to stalk friends out in dates in public but there's something vaguely desperate about staring up a building hoping to get a hint of how things are going. We danced, we drank, we played pool and basically we partied hard as hell, because honestly, A's whining was at an end!

What could possibly go wrong?

A calls, a couple hours later.

A sounds distraught.

So we go, because dammit, we're drunk as fuck but this is a friend and FRIENDSHIP TRUMPS ALL - and we all were kind of wondering what the fuck he could have done to fuck this up when we'd worked so hard to set it up perfectly, what with the stalking and the nervous giggling while we acted like creepy, silly bird watchers with a problem.

We found A sitting on the sidewalk, outside the apartment building of sexy fun times and V-card punching fame. Head in his hands, back bowed, the very picture of V-card unpunched misery.

"How did you even fuck this up," Jar asks, because Jar was very, very dedicated to his schemes and he absolutely refused to accept the possibility of them not working the way he intended them to.

A says nothing, shakes his head and motions for us to follow him. So we do. Up three flights of stairs we go, into the apartment. It's old, alright, but it's not too shabby. There's a bottle of wine opened and emptied on the counter, but only one glass. A pays no mind to it all and heads straight for the bedroom. He stands next to the bed, points and deadpans:

"Sit."

Jar sits, and the bedsprings creak like something out of a looney toon cartoon.

"Okay, so that was unexpected," Jar admits,  laughing a little, "but it's not that bad, was she mad?"

"Oh, that wasn't what made her mad," A says, sitting down and bouncing up and down the mattress. "She was."

And then we hear it. Loud, thunderous steps up the stairs and down the corridor. We look at the door and a tiny, fat, old lady bursts through the half-opened door, broom in hand and eyes shining like tiny dots of bright red hate.

"Your perversions are not welcome here!" She screams, and then proceeds to run us all out.

With a broom.

See, turns out Jar hadn't used that apartment in a while, but his brother had been using it as a lovenest for years. And since his brother is a twat, he'd driven the downstairs neighbor to a Pavlovian compulsion for murder and violence, triggered by the sound of those springs creaking. I don't even want to know what the old lady thought of a bunch of guys and a tiny, chubby teenager crowding around the bed, with the door wide open, with that frame of reference behind her.

So yes.

You see, A and B started off... rough. And now they're tying the knot. And I'm gonna sit there and smile pleasantly and by all means not say anything unfortunate, because A's sister is gonna be sitting next to me, with a taser in her bag. (And A's sister is hot, too.)

Besides, speaking up in the middle of a wedding is too... vulgar, for me.

No, I'll just wait until they get to the gift opening and find the broom so lovingly wrapped up by moi.


ranty_rie: (Wut [Squalo])
 I have been slowly reaching out to people I lost contact with, over the past two years.

Some of them are happy to hear from me again, which is kind of mindblowing and terrible at once, because wow, am I a douche or what? But mostly I just want to hug them all and apologize for being flaky and disappearing into the cracks of reality at the drop of a hat.

Some people aren't so fond of me, understandably, but at least I think it's good to get that out for once and for all and put it to rest.

Mostly I'm just looking back and wondering how on earth I managed to be this active, before, and actually socialize with so many people at once without having my head exploding. And on the other hand, I'm insanely grateful for all the people I've met and known and felt kindred to, they're good to keep my feet on the ground.

This is brought to you by reuniting with my dumb adorkable adopted brother from college and receiving an invitation to a wedding that.

Well.

I'll tell you the story about the wedding later, when I'm done laughing about it.

I'm getting the hang of this whole people-ing thing again, so there's that.

ranty_rie: (Me Gusta [Armstrong])
 So I'm home now!

I took a nice week off work, because frankly I was liable to hurt someone if I didn't, and now I'm home! Adventurous things happened, indeed!

I decided to go visit Taxco, Guerrero, on a whim. Literally. I kinda sorta just. Impulsive decided this should be a thing, and it turned out to be a good idea! I'd been meaning to visit the cave system in Cacahuamilpa for a couple of years now, and it was lovely. Fi and He-man tagged along for the first day, since it's just a couple hours drive away from Mexico City, so it made for a neat day trip!

Basically I drove there and when we got to the park, I met with a friend I hadn't seen in like. Ten years? But oh man, it was so nice to see him again! And we got to visit the caves away from the noisy, tourist-ful groups, so it was pretty frigging magical. This being me, of course, there was a slight local fauna mishap.

Of course there was.

I think I can officially add "bats" to the list of animals that seem to like me way more than I like them - and I happen to like bats a lot, they're like cute little flying mice.

Fi shrieked.

A lot.

He-man might have screeched a little, too.

But it was all in good fun. My friend sent us over to eat at his house, to recover from the experience - seriously, you guys are whiners, bats are AWESOME - and on the way back, I met with some really cool military dudes doing an inspection thing. I was a bit worried, because this is Guerrero, of course, and I didn't want to stick around if shit was gonna go down, but it seemed to be a routine thing and they were pretty nice.

Fi and He-man went home that night and I stayed at the nicest, cutest hotel in the history of ever. One of those three hundred year old houses with the furniture and ghost stories to match, about two blocks away from the city square. I spent my first night just, lying there, staring at the huge ass ceiling and listening to the breeze coming from the window. It was magical.

Then I just spent the rest of the week exploring little streets and chatting up with people. And doing the occasional errand because this would not be a Rie trip if Rie didn't end up being roped to be someone's errand boy. The thing about Taxco though is that's mostly a collection of sinuous roads going up and down as the town is basically sprinkled on the side of a cliff. By city ordinance all the buildings are white, with traditional red tile roofs and black, blocky signs. It was surreal and yet so heart-meltingly charming all at once.

Also, for some reason, public transport goes about with the doors open wide? Even when they go out into the highway? I am still unsure facing at that, and in fact might continue to unsure face about it into eternity. Because no. Taxco, it's the XXI century, we have other ways to control your population!

I bought a couple silver trinkets for myself - earrings and a new quartz scrying stone, to replace the one that kinda exploded last year please don't ask, I am embarrassed still, that's not a conversation you want to have with a police officer, no sir, that wasn't a gunshot, I'm just an idiot who forgot scrying 101 and overloaded and exploded a stone - and a bunch of jugs and pottery for my mom.

I got drunk a lot, met a lot of cool people, made a few friends and ate delicious, delicious food every day.

I am now back home and ready to kick work in the balls until it goes my way.

ranty_rie: (Aww yiss [Squalo])
 There was a big honcho visiting at work today and everyone was freaking out, and I'm a terrible person because I thought it was cute. Lucky for me, I got the hell out of there before the visit so no awkward turtling with the VIP wearing a wig and trying not to laugh.

I'm taking a week off, too. Because fuck it, I deserve it. Fi and He-man are driving with us to the cave system on Sunday but they're doing the one-day trip thing. I'm sticking around longer. Because I want to chill out and be freeeeeeeeeeeeee.

It's gonna be interesting, though. Pint-sized Squirrel King vs Jumbo-sized Human Ram, spelunking free for all!

ranty_rie: (Not Impressed [Hades])
 I've missed two days of work in a single week - ahahaha, fail - which sucks balls because even though I was sick, I couldn't get the stupid IMSS note to prove it so I'm not getting paid for them. Bluh.

Work is... ok. I like my job. I really honestly do. I never thought I'd actually enjoy costumer service, but I do find it fun and entertaining and I do really, sincerely, genuinely enjoy helping people and sorting out stuff. It's fun! It's interesting! If only I could actually do my goddamn job instead of spend hours cleaning up someone's goddamn mess? Yeah, that'd be cool 8|

Anyway, besides that, what else? I've been avoiding a couple of conversations with the family that just makes me want to headdesk, though I gave in and taught my mother how to use Face Talk in her iPad, because she needed it so badly. Snrk. So now we chat around in the wee hours of the morning before I go to work. (You know how when I was a kid I complained about my mother wanting me to wake up at five in the morning and swore I'd never take a job where I'd have to be up that early? Yeah. About that.)

So.

Stressful week! But mostly okay, still struggling with this bitch of a cold-thing that's just making me cranky. But mostly okay.

And also, because I promised last time and I think a good way to try and get back into the hang of writing here would be to share stories, here's the story of why Jacobo is named Jaboco.

I had a roommate in college, who's more like my brother at this point. He was cute. And goofy. And the gay hipster stereotype made flesh. It was adorable. So. He had a cat. He was given this cat, while still a very small kitten - we're talking eyedrop feeding small - by a neighbor, I believe. And he loves his cat. Absolutely adores it. To be fair, Jacobo is a very handsome cat who is also very lovable - if a little antisocial, though I'm working on fixing that - so it's easy to see why he'd adore it.

But, you see. When Rich got his cat, he took it to a nearby vet, staffed by quite possibly the most air-headed, bubbly moron this side of anti-vaxxers propaganda. And he took the cat to get the shots and get sexed, and the Vet said "It's totally, most definitely a boy, 100% certain." So Rich named him Jacobo, after his favorite Lit period. (Rich was a fellow English major and ours was Geek Central Hub, be very afraid, so very afraid.)

Anyway, months passed. Jacobo grew. Rich and I moved in together.

Then in rolled the holidays and he flew away to visit his mom. He tried to leave the cat with me, but there was going to be a big family gathering - and my family really does know how to make a BIG family gathering - so the poor thing ended up in the care of the Vet. I drank. I partied. I refrained from killing anyone. And we were all merry.

And then on January 2nd, fresh of the plane, Rich calls me, half awed, half dumbstruck:

"Rie, Rie, you're not... Rie, what's the most hilariously terrible thing you can think could have happened to Jacobo?"

And I said, snorting, to be a brat , because I am not a very good person, all things considered:

"That Jacobo turns out to be Jacoba."

And Rich laughed and sobbed and said yes. So we laughed at his cat who was not a boy but a girl, and made halfhearted attempts to change her name to suit her actual sex, before giving up because she was, quite frankly, just Jacobo.

But I did warn Rich, to take the cat to be fixed.

He did not get the cat fixed until after it went into heat.

At three in the morning.

...because why the fuck not, right?

So yeah. Jacobo is Jacoba, but only answers to Jacobo. And she's the cutest goshdarn kitty ever. (When she's not absolutely insane, anyway, but I think that's a requirement of being a cat, not a flaw, per se.) I did warn Rich not to take the cat back to that vet though. Because that vet was crazy. In the psychotic bubbly indigo child of the earth kind of way.

She refused to get Jacobo fixed. The vet. Refused to fix the cat. Because it was unethical.

But oh.

Do you know why it was unethical of her, to fix the cat?

Are you sitting down?

Because, and I quote, when a cat is sterilized, in its next life, when it  reincarnates as a human, it will be sterile too. By sterilizing cats, we are destroying both species, both humans and cats! One day both of them will disappear and the earth will be ruled by dogs and ferrets.

And that would be terrible.

ranty_rie: (Fucking Snow [Envy])
I must recant my statement:

I am glad I have a paycheck. Holy shit, has work made an effort to suck hairy balls this week. And it's only wednesday. Shut up, I know it's Saturday, but to me is Wednesday, so there.

Also, I've seen jugglers in street corners, earning a few coins with each stoplight.

I'd never really thought I'd see them in Periferico, tho.

...viva Mexico?

ranty_rie: ([Nehellenia])
FIRST AND FOREMOST, note the beauty that is my Merton mood theme, finally working as it should. As I said, you might had the battle, but not the war. The war is miiiine. It'll be a cold day in hell when I let someone have the war, over anything. Battles come and go, but war is forever.

Anyway!

So. today was my first day with some public school kids in a "STAY IN SCHOOL, FOR FUCK'S SAKE" type of volunteer program. It was fun! Way less kids than what I worked with at my last formal teaching job and so much nicer! It's been a good day.

Right now, I'm waiting for pizza for lunch/dinner and contemplating going out on a walk to buy smokes, since I've got like. Six left. That's a tragedy right there.

Aaand there goes the cat falling on its ass over something dumb, excuse me while i go off to contain destruction the likes you've never seen. At some point, I need to write down why that cat's named what it is. It's a funny enough story and I think I could use the humor.
ranty_rie: (Smiley)
...I concede the battle, but not the fucking war.
ranty_rie: (Urge To Kill Rising [Hades])
...why is photobucket being a twat?

Seriously.

My Merton mood theme is like a part of my online identity. It's my phantom fifth limb. It's the reason posting on tumblr never felt quite right.

Stop fucking around and let me upload my goddamn mood theme, LJ/photobucket/INTERNET.


ranty_rie: (This Is My Happy Face [Sollux])
I was trying to leave only the fanfic public, from the imports from LJ.

But you know what?

Fuck it.

I'm gonna leave everything private and linking to LJ, and only in the event of LJ apocalypse or my old accounts being deleted, will I worry about fixing all that mess.

Because fuck you, that's why.

No, I will not write a script to mass change privacy settings based on a tag, I'm not that desperate yet. I refuse.

Now, if only I could figure out how to rescue my poor Merton moodtheme, I'd be so fucking happy.

ranty_rie: (Smoking [Shizuo])
Are you happy, Fi? I'm on DW now. Are you?

Baaaah.

I don't know. I should probably get back into the habit of writing a journal and blogging about shit, if nothing else because that takes up time away from other, less productive, less healthy activities, like staring at the ceiling and being annoyed by life in general.

So fine. Let's see how it goes this time around!

Besides the depression clinging stubbornly to my back, things are pretty cool, to be honest. I've got a pretty decent job that I've kept for more than a year and I don't seem to be in any real danger to lose any time soon, I've moved into my own apartment where I live on my own, I inherited my roommate's cat, Jacobo - who, despite the name, is female, not male, that's a funny story if you ever want to hear it - to keep me company, and my relationship with my mother has stabilized and actually broken off from several abusive patterns into something almost... well, healthy.

So yeah, I'm not quite in a hole deep in the ground, like I could be, but I've turned quite antisocial of late and this is apparently a concern. So yay, here goes, trying to integrate back into the internet.

I am still procrastinating moving my shit over to AO3, though, because fuck that, that's nearly five hundred fics and god knows how many words. I think I'm just gonna move the Reborn/Durarara stuff and pretend everything else doesn't exist.

Yeah.

So.

I'm back-ish.
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